09 May How to write a book when you’re busy caring for others

First of all:, you don’t have to. Writers beat themselves up all the time about not writing enough, not being prolific enough or not living the kind of life we all imagine writers live. This article isn’t one more stick to beat yourself with. There are times in life when writing fades into the background – and that’s okay. But, equally, maybe you’re super-busy navigating the needs of others – with no end in sight – and you’re craving the opportunity to write, or to write a little more than you’re managing currently. Is it possible to get a novel written when you’re juggling life’s demands? I’m going to tell you that it is – if that’s what you really want to do.

Timing is everything

When we’re responsible for the care of other people, it makes things complicated. It’s a little different to going out to work – where (hopefully) we have some kind of job description, a contract, and some notion of set hours. There are – even if we find in reality these boundaries get breached – limits on the extent to which our work life impinges on our free time. But caring for others is murkier, and trickier to navigate. Saying no is challenging – sometimes it can feel impossible. Finding the time to write – finding the energy to prioritise it – can be really hard. But it’s not impossible, and I know this because I’ve done it. In fact, I’m still doing it (sometimes it’s complicated, sometimes its messy, it’s always imperfect, but I’m still doing it).

I’m going to suggest that finding the right time of day to write is a first, important, step. Most writers discover that they feel more or less creative at different times of the day. For me, I’m best in the mornings – the earlier the better. For others it simply has to be the evening, or late into the night. Preferences matter, and it’s good to be aware of them. But at the same time, we have to be flexible if we’re caring for others. If mornings are our best time for writing but we have toddlers who are up at 4.30am, then we’re faced with a tough choice. Do we set our alarm at 3.30am in order to write? Probably not! Our job is to know ourselves, and then to make the best of our situation. Try and remember that it doesn’t have to be a great long stretch of time. Ask yourself, is it possible to find an hour a day to write? Or half an hour? Or fifteen minutes? Can I carve out a routine for myself if I really put my mind to it? I bet you can.

I wrote my first novel during maternity leave with my second child. Generally, she didn’t wake until about 6.30am, so I set my alarm for 5.30 and I spent an hour writing before she woke. An hour a day, for 365 days, can be just enough to get ahead with that novel.

If someone else is around then maybe you can sneak away during bath or bedtime. Perhaps you can find an hour in the car as you wait for karate, or swimming or cubs to finish. Or it might be that you have to wait until everyone is tucked up in bed. It might be that you’re not caring for children, but caring for an elderly relative, or for a loved one with a disability, or for someone who is struggling with their mental health. Each situation is unique, and only you can look at your life and try and figure out how you can make it work.

However exhausted you are, it’s possible to create a new habit of writing, if only for a short amount of time each day. Even if it feels like a really hard choice, it is still a choice. Even in the most difficult of situations, we often find, if we step back and look objectively, that we have options. We may have to leave the dishes dirty, or the washing overflowing. We may have to sacrifice something. We may have to let our guard down and reach out for support. But if we really want it – if it feels that important – then we can usually find a way to make the right choice – the choice our heart is longing for. What does your heart long for?

If you know the answer to that question, and you’re ready to make a commitment to getting your words on the page, then negotiating the support of your loved ones can be essential to making it work. Don’t expect others to understand if you just slip away without explaining what you’re up to, or if you land it on them with no discussion. Broach the subject. Be brave. Tell them what it means to you. Negotiate, or offer something in return. Ask them not to disturb you during that ONE block of time. Promise your attention afterwards, or before. But during your writing time they must learn to do without you. Create this new habit and you might be surprised to see how quickly people adapt to it, including yourself.

Sacrifice is essential

If you really want to write that book then you must be willing to sacrifice other things in your life. The detail of this will be up to you. It might be that you have to give up watching those box sets that you love so much. Or you may have to be less sociable. You might have to exercise a little less, or read a little less. It might be that you have to be less nice. This can be hard to stomach. But I bet that life feels pretty full already? We tend to fill our days and weeks to capacity. So if you’re serious about writing you will have to sacrifice something that, at some point in your past, you decided was important.

I have sacrificed watching television. I have also sacrificed certain kinds of socialising. It’s been a hard thing to manage, and it’s taken me a number of years to feel comfortable with it. I prioritise the friendships and family that really matter, and I make time with them really count. I simply wouldn’t get my writing done if I did it differently.

The trouble is, we’re so used to telling ourselves it’s too difficult. If we’re honest with ourselves, we probably make excuses as to why now is not the right time.

Here’s a question for you: if you knew that in twelve months’ time you would have the first draft of a novel under your belt, would you find an hour a day? I bet you would! That’s the thing – often we make excuses because in our heart of hearts we don’t really believe it’ll work out. But I have a secret to tell you: anyone can write a novel. The people who manage it are the people who decide it’s possible and commit themselves to getting the words onto the page. One at a time.

Be tough

You will need to remind yourself that every action is a choice. Every time you choose one thing, you are not choosing another thing. So ask yourself, Am I comfortable with the choices I’m making? If it seems a bit murky, and you’re not sure, think about it from a different angle. In ten years’ time, which activity will you wish you had chosen? Start trying to be really clear with yourself about how you spend your time. You might have to be tough with yourself – you might occasionally have to give yourself a kick up the backside. You’ll know if you need it! I don’t buy into the idea that writing (or any form of creativity) needs to be painful. I think it can be hugely pleasurable, exciting, joyful and rewarding. But sometimes it can certainly feel tough, and sometimes we have to be tough with ourselves. Writing has its ups and downs and the creative path is never straightforward. There are inevitable doubts and insecurities – all of which are completely normal. You wouldn’t be a writer if you didn’t sometimes doubt your capability and dread the idea of sitting down to write. But sit down you must, because putting in the hard work is what’s required of you.

And be kind

Sometimes you will need to be kind to your creative spirit. You will need to let yourself off the hook. You will need to curl beneath your duvet and eat a whole packet of custard creams whilst watching a box set. Or instead of writing you will clean the house because you really, really can’t stand it any longer. Some days the writing won’t happen. You may need to walk instead, or take a long, hot bath. You may need to ask for help (always ask for help when you need it).

Do not starve your inner writer. She wants to work with you, but she needs energy, Make sure you remember to feed her.

Knowing when to be tough and when to be kind is a difficult one. It’s actually why I believe in creating a routine for writing in the first place. If you show up, day after day, doing the work, having carved out your little bit of time, having made some sacrifices, then you are going to be in a good position to know whether you need to be kind to yourself. You will use your intuition, and make the right call. Because you don’t do excuses. Not any more.